apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
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I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
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That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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