I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She said her name was "party"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize