Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
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hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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