We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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