Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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