was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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