from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I wear drunk well.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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