There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
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She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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