like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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