Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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