I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
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Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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