Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
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he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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