sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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