Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
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So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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