omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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