i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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