He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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