You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize