I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
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woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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