I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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