the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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