Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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