separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
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Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
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It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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