woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
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You're breaking my sexual little heart
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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