All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize