Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
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Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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