Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
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I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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