she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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