I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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