I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
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WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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