I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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