I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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