The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize