: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
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