the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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