I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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