I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
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If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
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The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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