Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
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You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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