Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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