You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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