is your mom at the bar?
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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