I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Found your dick twin last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
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