Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
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figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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