3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
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it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
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my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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