I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
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Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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