i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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