It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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