Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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