I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Such a big mess for such a small penis
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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