my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize